Sleep disordered

The Fat Guy has sleep issues. He looks like he’s sleeping, but not like normies. He kicks in his sleep, up to 45 times an hour. He can’t breathe without a CPAP mask. He does not reach deep sleep….ever. He’s not getting enough oxygen without the mask, which is a bad thing for the heart.

I saw my sleep study report today. It was scary and depressing at the same time. Maybe that’s why The Fat Guy has slipped into the third person again, like it’s happening to somebody else instead of killing his fat ass.

My CPAP pressure goes up in the hopes that one day my blood pressure will come down, I will feel more energy and I will wake up feeling refreshed. Feeling refrershed on waking has happened about eight times in my life…

Uh-oh. He’s back to depression and thinking in the third person again. Poor bastard.

Fat, but not quite like me

Speaking of celebrities in the news, what happened to Brendan Fraser? He was thin and hunky in The Mummies (wasn’t that just a minute ago?) and suddenly it’s fat middle-aged dad roles. Saw him in a trailer for what appeared to be an awful movie where animals repeatedly attack him and he’s blown up to Alec Baldwin’s pant size. I feel bad for him. Not as bad as for my fat self, but still…

This is not to pull down Mr. Fraser. It’s to point out that none of us are immune. Personal trainers and living in Hollywood and being paid huge money to be a fit actor? Still doesn’t matter. The Fatness is a hard row to hoe and even Oprah-sized money doesn’t translate to getting and staying thin. I’m still shocked at how mean people can be who aren’t fat (YET!)

It’s hard to bang the keys through all that cognitive dissonance. On the one hand (first paragraph) we all want to be thin. On the other love handle (second paragraph), longterm success seems fairly hopeless. Look at all those Biggest Loser people who are fat again. (Some aren’t. I wonder how hard they’re training and some days, do they just pray BL will go off the air so they don’t have to worry about getting pulled back for a But did they keep it off?

Biggest Loser’s on tonight and I’ll be on the treadmill while I watch since I’ve fallen off the wagon this weekend. I’m still way fatter than Brendan Fraser. And Drew Carey. And Alec Baldwin. Prolly you, too. I’m in Kevin Smith territory, I think. (But not near as awesome… Shit.)

Kevin Smith kicked off Southwest Airlines for Fatness

Kevin Smith was seated with his armrest down. Didn’t need the seatbelt extender. And yet, the Captain kicked him off the flight. Embarrassing and, given that he hadn’t violated SW’s guidelines, I can’t figure out why they singled him out.

I’m a huge Kevin Smith fan (huge in love, huge in fatness) and I feel bad for him. It was a last standby seat. I can’t wait for his podcast tomorrow night! (Look up Smodcast on ITunes.) He’ll destroy them over their cattle car seating policies no doubt. He’s a very funny guy and this time, it’s personal. Southwest has no idea what can of fat whoop ass they’ve opened up. (Think United Breaks Guitars.)

Yes, we should lose weight. People who don’t know how hard it is to defy biology talk like it’s easy to take weight off and keep it off. They know not of which they speak.

Following the comments on the story as reported on Huffpost this weekend, it is staggering how much hate is sent out to fatties. I am one of the legion. If you’re skinny and have no compassion, I hate you back.

Wii workouts

You know that new Wii Active software that has Bob Greene of Oprah fame pitching it? Yeah, don’t get that. The strap around your thigh is either too tight or slips down mid-exercise. There seems to be little middle ground and it’s really frustrating when you’re doing the exercise and the sensor doesn’t get that you’re doing as you’re told. (Eventually I got really sick of the onscreen trainer saying “Follow me! (dumbass!)” when I sure was yes indeedy-do-dah-day following along for God’s sake!

Wii Fit? Fun games but the balance board is very judgemental (“That’s obese! You suck as a human being!”) and it’s more for the fun of the games than the fitness. The yoga programs aren’t too bad.

My Personal Fitness Coach is good. It moves along without a lot of downtime so you can actually get a workout because it follows an aerobics class format and you can choose to use fitness gear with it you already have (e,g, stability ball, hand weights etc.,…)

DON’T get My Personal Fitness Coach #2. The revamp does not improve on the first version. It takes away the good and adds bad. (For thorough reviews which are almost universally negative, see the reviews of the Wii software at Amazon.com.

Only thing worse? Jillian Michael’s Fitness Challenge 2009. I made the mistake of purchasing that piece of crap. Didn’t work. Running to really bad twangy country music? Egregious. Not a workout. Not even a game. Horrific. (See Amazon reviews again is you don’t believe me.)

Next purchase? I’ve heard good tings about the Gold’s Gym Cardio Workout for the Wii. It’s a boxing program. Consider that if you’re in the market for some at home sweating.

And always check the reviews before you make a costly impulse purchase at Best Buy!

Jillian Michaels in the Hot Seat

Two quick stories on Sgt. Screams-a-lot:

She referred to the contestants as “monkeys” on her Facebook page. Considering the multi-ethnic base of the cast, I doubt that’s something she’d be proud to say to Oneal’s face. I’m sure she didn’t mean to offend anyone. (Neither did my mother, the racist.)

TMZ is reporting that her company is the target of a class action lawsuit alleging that the weight loss pills she reps are useless. Her reply is that the pills have been plenty tested and anybody can file a lawsuit so there.

Here’s the thing about weight loss pills: They have a terrible history. On the street, they used to call the same amphetamines “bennies.” Since then its been ephedra (not good for you) and caffeine (though they often call it something else on the label.) None are effective long term and can have nasty side effects on your blood pressure. (Other side effects may include the killing kind, the useless version, anal leakage, shit explosion, gambling addiction, suicide, fratricide, Tom Jones idolatry, regicide, hockey sticks may grow out of your ears, earthquakes, tinnitus, Hannah Montana in your head 24/7  and poverty!)

I don’t know what’s in the weight loss pills Jillian Michaels is selling, but no matter how fat and desperate I get, I’m not taking them. I don’t think any amount of gold standard double-blind tests would satisfy my concerns, especially if it’s non-peer reviewed and happening in company labs. (And how can anyone possibly know if they’re safe in the longterm, and how does it mix with other meds? Remember fen fen?)

Here’s the cognitive dissonance I don’t get with Jillian: She has said herself on The Biggest Loser that natural foods are the way to go. And it’s all about sweating. Also, loving yourself burns calories for some reason. (It’s all about the science unless it’s about emotion.) Pushing pills doesn’t seem to fit with her stated brand. I’m not calling anybody a hypocrite, but I sure don’t understand it. There’s lots of money involved so that might help clear things up.

UPDATE: AFTER FURTHER SURFING I ran across Jillian Michaels Fat Burner. She says the ingredients are all-natural. Hmmm. So why not just stick to carrots? What’s in there anyway? I don’t understand how that could work better than using good foods (fruits, veges etc.) Again…Things that make you go hmmmm.

I’ll let you draw your own conclusions, but before I fall into easy moralizing and the demonification of The Sneerer/Eye Roller*, I should also add that Ms. Michaels has recently voiced concerns about the health and safety of the show’s contestants. She’s a trainer–supposedly the best though how that’s measured and when the vote/contest/pageant was held I do not know. She knows stress fractures and heart attack among this population are a very real threat when you push people this hard. So I’m off to look that up and get more detail.

*She sneers professionally, like Elvis’s daughter, and if anybody is ever going to strain something rolling their eyes in disgust, she’ll be the first.

Sick but watching Biggest Loser

I did not eat potato chips while watching Biggest Loser. That was later. My throat is full of razors. I’m feeling sorry for myself. Gah. But BL cheered me up…

Ding! Dong! The witch is dead! Redneck Team Mom Melissa gained a pound and headed home to lose more weight, down to 175 pounds so far. She fell below the red line so she was supposed to vacate the ranch immediately. Unfortunately, she stayed on the stage long enough to make the pronouncement that Redneck Team hubby Darryl should stay on the ranch until he’s at least down to 250 pounds. (Allison should have kicked her off faster. “Sorry, you fell below the red line so you don’t get to talk anymore.” Whoosh! Trap door below the scale opens and we hear a high-pitched scream fading away at the speed of gravity.)

That speech was interesting because it shows once again how oblivious people are. Yeah, we’re all the stars of our own movies, but Melissa was out and still trying to dictate terms. Ballsy when you consider that in the immunity challenge, everybody lined up to get rid of Red team first. They’re disliked. As soon as he’s in the crosshairs, he’s gone. He’s a threat and must be eliminated with extreme prejudice. (Not as bad as Bin Laden. But if Bin Laden had an ornery cousin with the same beard and a crazy wife…yeah. Like that.)

You recorded it. Wind that PVR back. See the blank stare on Pink Team’s faces? Miggy stonefaced and shifting back and forth (will I kill her? won’t I kill her? will I kill he? won’t I kill her?) Melissa gave Bob a hug but snubbed Sargeant Screams-a-lot. (Ok, I would, too.) Anyway, Red Team Dad is gone at the first opportunity. In fact, fuck all guys named Darryl.

Oneal won immunity, though I was sure that, according to the rules as dictated when he returned to campus, he was supposed to be safe from a vote for two weeks anyway. (Was I hallucinating on the treadmill last week?) Love Oneal, though when he takes other competitors down, he should do it more humbly if he expects to get to the end. Crowing and holding your rifle up in triumph each time you take somebody down is not a winning strategy in the long term.

Koli is the sad puppy who has been beaten too much in the dogpound of life. Sad that John went home and desperate in his man crush, he was acting like he didn’t deserve to be there. War vets have less survivor guilt. Sam will have to continue to bolster his teammate’s spirits/kick his sad sorry ass because Koli has the look of a guy who needs some antidepressants STAT!. (Remember from the first show he commented on his lonely life, “Who could love a 400-pound man?” He says he’s transformed, but he should tell his face that. His posture still says, “Beaten.” Sam needs Koli to pull drop his weight because it’s apparent Big Sam has a target on his back. He’s too competitive for the field and needs to tone it down a bit and work on the social side of the game, too.

The group of 15 went to the Olympic Training Center in Colorado. That was cool, though the travel and the food available seemed to set them back more than if they had been confined to the ranch. Weird. Should have helped. Paralympians can do cool Olympic events. Also, they make you cry. (I could never be on The Biggest Loser. Not a hugger.) 

Big Face/Bad Hair Mike lost 11 pounds trying to get to 100 pounds lost firstest and fastest. The dude is huge and yet can do a handstand against the wall. Be happy with that Big Face!

Black Team’s huge guy Darren only lost five pounds and, at the show’s close, was up against Daris’s Mute Orange Mom in a fight to stay on the ranch. I was hoping they’d be issued the same weapons Spock and Kirk fought with in the episode where Spock gets dangerously horny with P’aahn Far and chokes the living shit out of Kirk for overacting. (Wouldn’t that have been cool, especially accompanied by the Star Trek Space Karate music?) Instead the contestants were sentenced to death by embarrassment by balancing silly-looking torches on their heads.

We’ll find out who gets to stay and get screamed at louder and longer next week.

Shame

The kids are still (STILL!) sick. I’m getting cabin fever and have not been exercising. I do not have a good reason, but I do have a reason. I’m self-conscious exercising in front of others. Yes, even family. Yes, even in front of a 10 and 7-year-old. This is why I dropped my gym membership long ago in favor of working out in front of the TV.

This is dumb on several levels. And yet…and yet.

Sigh.

Bad day in The Matrix

Emotion up. Stress up. Energy down. CPAP’s working better but still not great. Hunger up. Routine off.

Confession: I had a Boston Cream donut 20 minutes ago. It’s been awhile. I forgot that after the sugar rush, I feel like shit.

Gotta salvage things a little and get on the treadmill.

Audible sigh. (From wherever you are…)

Agent Smith is beating the good intentions out of me today. I neither feel like Neo or The One.

Biggest Loser #4 REVIEW

Short fat take is Big John goes home, shaves, loses over 100 pounds!

Oneal and Sunshine are back on the ranch, having lost so much weight (25 pounds for Sunshine and a whopping 51 pounds down in one month for Oneal!)

Blue team lost 63 pounds together, so they weren’t messing around, either. We’ll see an impressive mom/daughter team at the finale, and maybe one of them will win the home prize of $100,000. Could happen.

Yellow team has immunity for two weeks, which is good because in the past when outsiders have come back they were treated as outsiders and interlopers, even by the trainers. Mike won immunity over Gray team (surprise!) but spoiled the moment when he burbled, “I did it, Ma!” Jeez, Big Face. Please grow up and stop being a stereotype for three consecutive minutes, will ya? Please!

As soon as Migdahlia got shipped home her mom Miggy got appendicitis. After some serious surgery she came back, kept walking and lost five pounds anyway. Holy crap! That woman is a warrior.

Jillian had a heart to heart with Pink team girl about how her mean dad died of cancer. He called her fat for a long time and when he was dying she didn’t rush to his deathbed so he could call her fat one last time. I was close to tears as Jillian did her torture therapy session of the week (actually she had two if you count making Daris cry.) Say it Big Baby Pink! SAY IT! SAY YOU ARE SO FUCKING GLAD HE’S DEAD! Instead she said she wanted to tell mean dad that she was sorry she didn’t rush back (so he could call her fat.) Well, sometimes these things don’t go like I’d expect…

The big thing this week was the multiple last chance workout scenario where you get a real taste of how the contestants are tortured. It looks like really hard work. Just watching them makes you want to lie down and take a nap. The contestants sweat and scream and cry and push and run and lift and Bob and Jillian go hoarse screaming the words “Last chance workout!” over and over and over. Apparently those are magic words. I’m thinking of sending them each a dictionary for Christmas.

Annoying moment of the week came, of course, from Redneck Red Team Mom who had an okay-not-spectacular week. They were worried as their position dropped and dropped as the weigh-in progressed. She dropped below 200 and already looks like she doesn’t belong on the ranch considering how thin her face looks. (She lost all her weight off her face.) She was disappointed with her husband’s performance and announced that to the world, which must have made for a chilly night on the couch for her last night unless–and I suspect it’s true–he’s totally whipped. She must be a real drain. Also, amid Bob torturing training her on the reverse squat rack, was that hug at the end a tacit admission that yes, indeed she was a big fat liar about doing some game play while she had immunity those two weeks her weight loss came to zero? It might not be admissible in court, but yeah, we all know don’t we?

Anyway, Oneal’s on the ranch so I’m happy. (I’ve detailed my bro code man crush on the big man in an earlier BL review and by losing that 51 pounds at home, he’s proved worthy of everyone’s respect.

PS As for me, walked on the treadmill for 50 minutes today. The financial advisor I’m firing called me up to rant at me for said firing and now I’ve got a huge stress headache. He felt I was insulting his professional skills. Not at all. It’s his psycho interpersonal skills that left my wife afraid of him that are the origin of his problem. If I wind up murdered, COPS! READ THIS! and GO GET HIM! Toss that prick in jail for a life sentence of anal raping. Sounds mean, but I was feeling transgressed metaphorically, too. Still have the headache. Jesus! My frontal lobe is  in a vice. Makes me crave peppermint chocolate.

Bad people are bad for your health and longevity. That’s why I’m taking steps to delete him from my life.

Tune in tomorrow for…

The Biggest Loser Review Number 4! to brighten your day.

I think Oneal’s back on tonight. Hoo hah!